aşk acı verir

Güvenirsin tek birine… Canını bile verebilcek kadar , kendinden vazgeçebilcek kadar ama sonunda kalan hep aynı sahnedir .. Aynı gözyaşları , aynı hisler… Hatıralar gelir üstüne kaldıramazsın , duyamazsın başkalarının sesini . aradığın o dur. onun gözleri onun gülümsemesi butun vücudunu ısıtan sarılması. yoktur bunun karşılığı başkasında . gittiğinde yalnızsındır, yapayalnız . kimse anlayamaz artık seni . bakarsın etrafa. görmen gereken yüzünü gülümsetcek birsürü neden varken gördüğün hep aynı şeydir.

o ve onla yaşadığınız herşeydir…
İşte gerçek acı bu anda başlar. Ağlamaya başladığında başını koyduğun omuzlar çare olmaz. İyiliğin için konuşan birsürü insanı duymazsın bile .
istediğin odur o… nekadar zaman geçerse geçsin unutamazsın.unuturum , unuttum desende kendıni kandırma . o aslında hep aklındadır biryerlerde bekler. en ufak bir anıda ılk gunkı gerçekliğiyle çıkar karşına. aşk adı verilen bütün herşey acıdır. geriye bıraktığı asla dinmeyen acıdır. yazmak istedim bende sadece . o acıyı içimedki bitiremediğim özlemi unutamadığım günleri yazmak istedim.

aşk yaşanıldığı hissedebildiği hergun guzeldir. bittiğindeyse korkulu bir rüyadan farksızdır. Aşık olmycaksın . eğer bu duruma düşmek istemıyosan aşık olmycaksın. Sevmıyceksın delicesine . bağlanmıycaksn kendinden çok. İnanmıycaksın başka birinin verdiği söylediği her söze. Yalandır hepsi . Senı bıraktığında bitti dediğinde okadr çok bahanesi vardırki sen anlamazsn nasıl olduğunu nasıl gerçekleştiğini ..
sonuç mu ? acı çekiyorum işte.. hepsi bu… etrafımda birsürü insan varken o olmadığı için yalnız hissediyorum. baktığım heryerde onu gördugum için evden dışarı çıkamıyorum. yarım bi insan oldum artık onsuz yapamıyorum yapamıycam..

halada çok seviyorum. nefret değil bendeki .. kızgınlık . ona doyamadan bittiği için kızıyorum kendıime ,ona ,herkse kızıyorum. tepki gösteriyorum sırf o benı , benım onu sevdiğim kadar sevemedi diye..
olsun hala umudum var belki hayat bana yaşattığı bu kotu acı dolu gunlerın karşılığı gerçektenn guzel bir şekilde verir.. sence umudum olmalı mı ? hayat onsuzda güzelmidir ? bilmem tek istedğim o işte o..

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